ANAKOSHA’S PHILOSOPHY

Roots

XXAnakosha has its roots in two lifestyles: swinging and polyamory (‘pollie-AM-ory”).

XXSwinging is a networked lifestyle that developed in the last fifty years, arising from many individual explorations in “mate-swapping”. Its focus is on recreational sex. Its origin, by all accounts, was male. Many men realized that they had a non-monogamous sexuality, and to the extent that they could persuade their wives to accept that same tendency in themselves, small networks formed. The advantage of traditional swinging is that, because it is focused entirely on sex, one's emotional relationship is never put at risk. The disadvantage is that robust, caring friendships are a secondary consideration. They often happen, but they are not the primary focus. The result is an atmosphere that is more "meat market" than circle of friends.

XXPolyamory is a more recent concept, which supports openness to “loving more”, and developing intense love relationships beyond two-person relationships, with a de--emphasis on sex before such a relationship has flowered. Anakosha believes that most human beings have a need to form a primary bond, such that it is impossible to just decide to have several co-equal bonds. We think that multiple relationships that are deeply romantic will produce competition for the primary bond. That is, letting love go that far risks the relationship you started out with.

XXAnakosha supports free sexual and emotional expression between committed couples, but only to the extent that the primary bond is respected and protected.

XXAll our teaching emphasizes the sensitivity, consideration and trust which are indispensable to intimate friendship. We love our friends. But we primarily support committed couple relationships, especially conventional marriage, and we warn against involvements which distract from those relationships.

XXWe believe sex is fun, and should be kept light-hearted, though it is also an intimate communion. Sex can actually be a great way to jump-start an intimate friendship. So some of us call ourselves social polyamorists, because we care about the whole person and not just one's sexual aspect. You are more than just a body to us.

Why do it?

XXThe first question is, why should we do this? Why should we open our marriage or committed relationship to sexual intimacy with others?

XXWell, it’s a lot of fun, but there are other reasons, and if we ignore those reasons, unhappiness is likely to result.

XXThere are two important drives in the area of human sexuality: (1) human beings overwhelmingly want to form a primary bond with one other person, that results in deep emotional interdependence and love; the evolutionary reason for this of course was to support a family; and (2) we need to have sex with others. Human beings are not inherently monogamous. Men are especially driven to spread their seed among the most females possible in order for their genes to survive. Women have a less powerful drive to diversity, but they too alter their choice of the most survival-prone male to partner with from time to time.

XXThe adultery statistics are strong evidence of the non-monogamous tendencies of human beings. Various surveys over many decades average out to say this: about 50% of all American men will commit adultery at some point, and about 20-25% of all women. (In July 2004, Newseek magazine did a cover story on female adultery in which they said that the true number was more like 35%, because women tended to fib to interviewers.) These surveys do NOT measure the number of men and women who WANT to have sexual experiences with others but don’t because they are taught that it is wrong. There is evidence that almost all men have those feelings, and a great many women fantasize about extramarital sex at least occasionally. The surveys only measure the number of people who actually go out and get it on with others.

XXThose numbers tell us that a lot of people cheat and at the very least feel guilty, and at worst suffer the breakup of their relationships, with all the financial hardship, heartbreak, dislocation of family, loss of friends, and disappointment of one’s intimate circle that that involves. Or, they don’t act on their desires, and feel something is missing from their lives, an itch they can’t scratch without doing violence to their principles, or those of their partner, whom they committed to without ever discussing why monogamy was, or was not, so important.

XXSo the system created by Western society requires most of us to experience, all our lives in a committed relationship, either guilt or frustration. That is because the system presumes that the two primary sexual needs of human beings, to form a primary bond and to reach out to others, are in conflict and are irreconcilable. Well, it's not true.

XXThat notion had a lot to do with the way societies organized, which typically involved passing power and wealth through bloodlines. The identity of one’s progeny was very important; it wouldn’t do for some other man to father a son of the wife of a king or a duke. And many common people depended on their children to take care of them in their old age, which they might not do knowing they were not actually their children.

XXBut all that was before birth control and retirement plans. Actually, there was birth control as early as the Egyptians. Cleopatra used a sponge soaked in vinegar, a technique no doubt passed down for generations and dynasties. But the early Christian leaders came out against sex, and the Jews before them were pretty strong against adultery (by women, though concubines were OK), to the point of stoning violators, so those practices were suppressed, and along with them considerable choice about sexual behavior. (Interestingly, Mediterranean Jews practiced polygamy until about 1000 A.D.)

XXBut if one is brave enough to be more liberal about sex, to the extent that it is not regarded as inherently evil outside marriage, other possibilities open. In America in the 20th century, a majority of the population came to accept that sex outside marriage is not inherently evil, at least if you were single. The stigma for married people to be sexual with others largely remains. Jealousy and possessiveness has a lot to do with that.

XXBut what if you extend tolerance to extramarital sex? Is it then possible that the two needs, primary bond and sex with others, are not in conflict? Is it possible to honor the primary bond yet permit sex with others? Is it possible that the result will be happy for everyone?

XXThe answer is Yes.

XXThe genius of the lifestyle known as popularly as swinging is that it is based on a simple framework that is very familiar to committed couples: the couple stays together for the activity, goes home together, knows almost everything about what each other does during the activity (if not in the same room, at least under the same roof), consents to it, and hopefully derives almost as much enjoyment from the partner’s enjoyment as from his or her own.

XXThere are several shades of swinging, and they have something to do with the history of the Lifestyle.

History

XXSome kind of secret sharing has no doubt occurred in Western culture for a long time, but very little has been documented until the 20th century, except for the Oneida community in New York in the early 1800s. The modern Lifestyle is completely separate from that experience. That was a religious community, and modern swinging begn with Air Force pilots in World War II. Originally, swinging was led by the men, and it occasionally had overtones of the kind of male crassness about sex that you can find in the pages of Hustler magazine. Gradually, and corresponding roughly with the women’s liberation movement, women became more assertive and insisted that the tone of Lifestyle interactions and parties be a lot gentler and more civilized. Anakosha believes that the Lifestyle is at its richest when it is expressed in a style in which the women are most comfortable. For that reason, we say that the women play the leading role in Anakosha. The men do not lightly ignore what the women want, or object to.

XXSimilarly, friendship is important in the Lifestyle. Back in the days of suburban “wife-swapping”, which occasionally got written about in tabloids before the organized network of swinging evolved, couples knew each other and were friendly if not close friends. When commercial swing clubs came into being, the pull was toward an exciting nightclub experience, and the gentler approach in those settings was replaced by almost anonymous interactions with complete strangers. Commercial clubs, even those who try to relate in a warm and friendly way to their members, still tend to portray evenings with them as “wild and crazy” times to be had. Home-based clubs, almost uniformly, offer a warmer, gentler environment.

Anakosha’s way

XXAnakosha has enshrined the importance of friendship in its statement of values. In that regard, it differs from the official definition of swinging written by Robert McGinley, founder of NASCA (formerly North American Swing Club Association): “social interaction for the purpose of recreational sex.” We think that definition is a little too sex-focused. Instead, Anakosha promotes friendship, with permission for consensual sexual intimacy when it feels right for those involved. The friendship comes first, even if it is only by a few hours or minutes, and the sex falls into place as it will, understanding the participants are inclined in that direction to begin with, but with no pressure to do anything.

XXOf course, you’re not going to have warm feelings about everyone you meet, and sometimes the chemistry can be negative. All we expect when that happens is civility and cordiality. But most people who are attracted to the Anakosha way are themselves pretty nice people, so most of the time you’ll be meeting people you will enjoy getting to know.

XXAnother leader of the Lifestyle, the late George Pittman, described the result as “intimate friendships”, a phrase which fits Anakosha like a glove. So in Anakosha, while many members conveniently describe themselves as swingers, it is more accurate to think of us as intimate friends, or sexual sharers, or social polyamorists. Also, a lot of people in the Lifestyle of sexual sharing don’t like the word “swinger” because it sounds too hedonistic, and their approach is more complex and idealistic than mere hedonism.

XXWhether you prefer the McGinley or the Anakosha definition, specific interactions work best when all participants have friendly feelings toward each other. Indeed, the better friends you are with another couple you are being sexual with, the easier it is to feel comfort and trust about the situation. It is the exact opposite of the “straight” world, where your partner having sex with your best friend is the most brutal betrayal of all. In the Lifestyle, best friends are the most logical, and most welcome playmates of all for your spouse.

XXThere are literally millions of couples in America now, and many others around the world, who can testify that swinging in general, and the friendship-oriented version especially, work. They have had many happy experiences, and they describe their lives as relieved of sexual frustration of the “look but don’t touch” kind, and they speak of improved communication between themselves as primary partners, and of feeling closer and more trusting of their special friends.

XXStatistics vary, but we believe around 4% of American couples participate in the Lifestyle regularly or occasionally. That may not sound like much, but it's more than 10 million people -- more than several prominent religious denominations: more than the Lutherans standing alone, or the Presbyterians, or the Pentecostals, and more than all the Episcopalians, Mormons and Jews put together. And we believe that once American couples come to understand the joys and rewards of the Lifestyle, and the stigma of its taboo begins to fade, much larger numbers of Americans will embrace the philosophy.

Alternatives

XXThere are various other possibilities for non-monogamous behavior.

XXWe have all heard of couples who have an “understanding”, or “open marriage”, such that one or both of them occasionally or frequently go their own way sexually with their partner’s consent. The trouble with that is that it puts distance in between the extramarital sex and the primary bond, and that tends to evoke a fear of loss of the primary bond, that is, jealousy. And the two partners (or more) of the one marital partner are typically not close, and that means at the very least that one is experiencing rich intimate experiences that the other has no connection with at all. Worse yet, those disconnected intimate relationships typically resemble the primary one, and often involve romantic love, which can be confusing and distracting to the partner with the lover, and unless that partner is truly committed to his or her primary partner, that primary relationship might be undermined or destroyed.

XXThere is another arrangement, known these days as polyamory, a word which was originally coined to mean all forms of responsible non-monogamy, but in recent usage has been co-opted to mean situations in which all the participants form a committed, loving relationship together. The most common version is a triad (three people), but it can be a quad or quintet or even more. In many such relationships, the members enter into the arrangement professing that all branches of it have equal status -- that there is no primary bond. We believe that in doing so, most are making the mistake of ignoring the primary bond, such that if the group pretends it doesn’t exist, there will in fact be a subconscious competition for it, with the result that someone will come away disappointed and hurt, and maybe the original primary bond will be destroyed. We think it is better to identify any primary bonds that exist in the group and defer to them.

XXHere is a graphic depicting how, as a practical matter, swinging, social polyamory and the more intense forms of polyamory like polyfidelity, compare. Anakoshans fit in the center panel.

XXIt is because of such problems that most swingers avoid deep emotional entanglements with their lovers like the plague. In Anakosha, we think it is perfectly normal to love your friends just as straight people do, without becoming romantically entangled. Still, we don’t deny that some people can manage multiple romantic relationships. Indeed, polyamory has a place under the Anakosha umbrella. We just warn that it is riskier, and certainly more work, than the simple model of one primary bond-couple sharing as friends with others.